CONVERTIBLE CLOWNS VII: THE NUCLEAR POWERED GRENADE LAUNCHER
by
Anthonystjoseph
The convertible clowns are all driving
down the desert highway continuing their search to capture and destroy
Anthonystjoseph on a lovely desert day.
Toothless Tito is driving as they all seem to be lost in their own
thoughts except for Ridiculous Rodney who has fallen asleep from his regular
habit of consuming too much alcohol.
Paula the Prison Bird is lost in her own personal hell of trying to come
to terms with her new face. The hardest
part of Paula’s new diabolical clown face was the protruding set of extremely gapped
dark yellow teeth. She felt she needed
to clean them out after every meal with a fork to get all of the food out that got
stuck in between her teeth. The stuck
food could almost provide another full meal.
As she sat thinking about catching a cold and would the nose that looked
like it was a rotten plum come off if she had to blow it she realized they were
in the same area that they had seen Anthonystjoseph a day ago. Oh how she hated him; he was the reason she
looked the way she did now and he would pay.
Because they failed to capture him the Dark Lord did this to her
face. Oh why did the Dark Lord hate her
so much; Anthonystjoseph would pay with his life!
Paula shook off the melancholy of her new
torment and announced boldly to the other clowns, “Okay, the last time we saw
that Anthonystjoseph thing he was in this area coming up.”
Ridiculous Rodney woke up and started
staring around at the desert in his ridiculous way as Theoda the Thug realized
she had giggle juice drool all over her shoulder. “Rodney you stupid fool! You drooled your silly ass giggle drool or giggle
juice or whatever the hell it is all over my shoulder! And why is your giggle drool YELLOW!” Rodney replied while giggling, “I don’t
know. Ask the Dark Lord! You know he does crazy stuff like that!” Theoda just cringed in disgust as she tried
to wipe it off. Toothless Tito told them
all to shut up and keep an eye out and then seemed to annoy Paula when he
looked in the rearview mirror and smiled with his new set of pearly white
dentures to make sure they were clean.
He just looked at Paula as they gave each other the side-eye and started
to look intensely for their prey. Paula
said, “I know he’s around here somewhere.”
Then
all of a sudden the angelic cougar from the cave ran across the highway in
front of the clown car and all the clowns screamed. Tito tried to run the cougar down as Paula
the Prison Bird said, “Run that mangy cat over!” Then Theoda got the idea that they should
shoot the cougar from the car and told Rodney to shut up and load the Nuclear Powered
Grenade Launcher. Since the thought
hadn’t occurred to Rodney, he sat up straight and said, “Oh yeah! We can shoot the cougar!” Tito, Paula and Theoda all looked at each
other at once mentally agreeing on the fact that Rodney was just plain old
stupid. Tito chases the cougar off the
road and follows him through the desert for a couple of hundred feet when all
of a sudden Paula the Prison Bird yells, “STOP THE CAR!” Toothless Tito stops the car as they all look
at Paula with a puzzled look while completely forgetting her hideous face in
their desire to catch Anthonystjoseph.
Paula states very quietly, “I just figured
out we are being played. That cougar is
trying to lure us away from Tony. And I
will no longer call him Anthonystjoseph, for now on his name is just TONY in my
book.” Ridiculous Rodney interrupts and
says, “Yeah, Tony the Tiger.” Paula
takes less than half a second and proceeds to jump in the back seat on top of
Ridiculous Rodney and proceeds to pummel him.”
“Tony the Tiger my ass! I’m so
tired of the ridiculous shit that comes out of your mouth! Will you ever shut up?!” Theoda and Tito pull Paula off of Rodney as
little pieces of pigs feet are left in Rodney’s hair that have fallen out of
Paula’s teeth as she was beating Rodney.
Paula calms down and gets back in the front seat while Rodney just
giggles and says, “I’m sorry, I just thought it was funny.” Toothless Tito and Theoda the Thug say in
unison, “SHUT UP!”
Prison Bird Paula calms down and gets her
breath back and explains why she told them to stop the car, “I’m pretty sure I
saw a lake on the other side of the road and I think that’s what the cougar was
leading us away from. I bet you ‘Tony’ is hiding there.” Ridiculous Rodney says, “You may as well call
him Anthonystjoseph because that’s what the Dark Lord calls him so if you say
Tony the Dark Lord is not going to know who you’re talking about and haven’t
you been punished enough?” Paula looks
at Toothless Tito while gritting her hideous teeth and says, “I’m gonna kill
‘em. I’m gonna kill ‘em.” Tito tells her, “Calm down, calm down, save
your energy for Anthonystjoseph. Do you
really think he’s by the lake.” “Yeah
he’s there, I can smell is self-righteousness a mile off. Head back to the lake.”
They get to the lake and stop the car far
enough away to not be seen. They see a
small cabin on the other side of the lake and there is a fire burning inside as
smoke is coming from the chimney. They
are sure Anthonystjoseph is inside.
Ridiculous Rodney says, “He must be cooking something.” All the other clowns roll their eyes at
Rodney. They instruct Rodney to just
load the grenade launcher and shut up.
They approach the cabin and all of a
sudden Anthonystjoseph walks out onto the porch. They stand there frozen at the sight of their
prey right in front of them. I see them
when it’s too late and they are less than fifty feet away from me. I gasp at the sight of Paula and scream, “Oh
my God Paula, what has happened to your face?!”
Ridiculous Rodney giggles as Paula screamed, “YOU HAPPPENED TO MY FACE! This is what the Dark Lord did to me for not
killing you the other day!” Theoda the
thug chimes in, “Yeah, we’re here to kill you!
And your little cat too!” Paula
tells Rodney, “Give me the grenade launcher Rodney!” Rodney is adamant, “NO! I’m gonna do it!” Paula yells, “Give me the grenade launcher
stupid!” They start to fight over the
grenade launcher as Tito and Theoda start to try and grab it too. All four clowns are fighting over the grenade
launcher and each trying to pull it from the others hands while I jump from the
porch and proceed to run towards the open desert.
I hear them stop arguing as they realize I
am making my escape. Tito yells, “You
silly clowns! I’m in charge of this
operation so hand me the launcher NOW!”
They all cease as Toothless Tito takes charge of the launcher and they
proceed to chase me into the desert. As
they get into firing range Paula yells, “SHOOT HIM TITO! SHOOT HIM!”
All of a sudden Tito trips on a rock and drops the launcher which
accidently fires and shoots him and he is suddenly and quickly turned into a
puddle of slime. We all stop the chase with
our mouths hanging open at the loss and sudden disintegration of Toothless
Tito.
While we are all surprised at the turn of
events, the angelic and protective cougar comes out of nowhere and I swoop onto
his back as he races away from the three remaining clowns. Theoda screams, “He’s getting away!” The cougar and I are long gone in a puff of
dust as I hear Ridiculous Rodney giggle and say, “He got away.”
Theoda the Thug, Ridiculous Rodney and
Paula the Prison Bird are all standing over Toothless Tito’s puddle of ‘used-to-be’
as Paula says, “I couldn’t stand his toothless ass anyway. He was really starting to get on my last
nerve. Always flashing his new teeth in
the rearview mirror knowing I’m sitting up here with these demonic yellows. Good riddance Mister Lieutenant.” Rodney giggles and then Theoda says, “A
Lieutenant in the afterlife at this point.
Well, we can obviously blame this whole fiasco of a failure on Tito now
that he’s dead. I mean it was his fault
that he fell on the launcher.” Rodney
giggled and said, “Now you know that doesn’t make a difference to the Dark
Lord. Somebody is going to have to
pay.” Theoda chimes in, “You’re right,
he’s gonna have to take his anger out on someone.” As they both look at Paula’s
disfigured clown face and Rodney starts to giggle. Paula instantly jumps on Rodney at his first
giggle and this time Theoda doesn’t try to stop her. Paula is busy creating a desert cloud of dust
while beating the crap out of Ridiculous Rodney and I and the cougar turn to
witness the growing dust cloud.
The cougar stops on the top of the hill as
I look back at the dust cloud continuing to grow from the savage beating and I
say, “There but for the grace of God go I.”
The cougar looks up at me and says, “But for the grace of God.” The cougar spoke to me for the first time. Who and what was this cougar. I would soon learn.
By
Anthonystjoseph
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