Comedy Month Selection V: My Aluminum Hat

 

MY ALUMINUM HAT

by

Anthonystjoseph

      I hate it when I meet someone on an airplane and we make a date and then when the plane lands and airport security gives me my aluminum hat back, they act like they don’t know me…  Makes me sad.  I am still going to start a group for all my peers and associates who are in the know and realize that an aluminum hat is essential for our survival as a species.  The takeover by the intruders is inevitable and almost completely unstoppable.  The only form of protection we have is the ‘aluminum hat’ which has been disparaged, maligned, and laughed at by all who haven’t experienced the serene calm and silence that an aluminum hat can provide…  I know you’re thinking that the silence is because everyone avoids me and my aluminum hat but you would be wrong.  The silence is the result of the aluminum preventing the noises of the grid from getting in to my head.

     I remember as a child when I fell asleep with the leftover aluminum from a popcorn tin on my leg and waking up and realizing the comfort and peace that my leg was feeling as if it was completely relaxed…  It made me ponder the wonderful qualities of aluminum right then and there.  As I got older and started sleeping with all the old popcorn tins I could muster and using Reynolds Wraps widest rolls of aluminum as sheets; I knew then, I had found a cure to all the humming and endless chatter of strange voices in my head.  Never again would I be caught dead without my protector and hero, aluminum.

     Two years after sleeping in the comfort of self designed aluminum sheets I saw the movie ‘Signs’ at the young influential age of twelve years old and realized that the aluminum hat was the only way to go.  I realized I could have my nightly serenity on a twenty-four-hour a day basis…  I have never been without my custom made aluminum hat since.

     Now as to the present dilemma of what to call my ‘aluminum hat’ group, I’m thinking of a few names such as:

·       ‘YEAH IT’S ALUMINUM, AND’

·       ‘I’m not wearing my aluminum hat right now because my therapist is testing a theory’

·       ‘I HAD my aluminum hat but that alien who just ran past you TOOK IT!’

·       ‘I’m not wearing my aluminum hat because they took it when they put me in this padded cell’

·       ‘What padded CELL’

·       ‘My aluminum hat is in my other car’

·       ‘You need to try ALUMINUM’

·       ‘Shirley Maclaine has one just like it’

·       ‘You better run for COVER!’

·       ‘THEY’RE HERE’

·       ‘GET YOUR OWN DAMN HAT’

·       ‘My aluminum has a second name, it’s b-o-l-o-n-e-Y’

·       ‘YOU BENT IT!’

     All in all, I wish I could help the world to heal and realize that ALUMINUM is our only protection and salvation in this harsh world of inevitable takeover.  As far as ‘aluminum’ is concerned, I’m starting with the ‘man in the mirror’.  If you have a suggestion for the name of my group of ‘aluminum hat’ wearers please submit it below ~ thank you in advance ~ may the ‘aluminum’ be with you.

By

Anthonystjoseph

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Comedy Month Selection IV: Convertible Clowns

 

CONVERTIBLE CLOWNS

by

Anthonystjoseph

     So there I was, walking downtown Denver, Colorado, with my friend Angela enjoying the local Jazz Festival and having a great time.  Angela and I are dressed casually but glamorous in our wonderfully casual glamour…  I have on my all white Cubavera pants with leather sandals and a loose fitting white pullover V-neck sweater with a tight white tee shirt underneath and my waist length dreadlocks flowing free and all my best jewelry on feeling wonderful and enjoying a serene day…  Angela points out the beautiful artwork that is covering the high rise to our left.  The high rise is painted all black with beautiful blue abstract crosses strategically placed all the way to the top and all around. 

     While we are admiring the graffiti type artwork on the building, Angela mentions that the painted high rise is a new trend going on and she has never seen one actually being done and that’s when I notice the guy painting the blue diagonal crosses on the building.  The guy painting the blue crosses on the building appears to be a vigilante graffiti artist waving blue paint cloths with his arms spread wide in a twirling and rapid rhythm while crossing and splatting the wet paint cloths onto the building forming the abstract diagonal crosses all over the building with blue paint splattering off the crosses; he almost appears to be listening to music and waving giant fans like he’s at a parade dancing with huge fans doing a fan dance of some sort. 

     And that’s when it happens, all of a sudden a whisk of air hits my face and blows Angela’s hair up in a puff and I look over at her gawked face and notice she has blue paint covering half her upper body; the other half opposite of me thank God.  A blue paint bomb has gone off near Angela and the ‘new’ paint style is clearly a new movement of coloring the buildings, the world, and any bystanders present when the art is created…  For Angela’s sake I hope its waterproof paint (insert giggle).  Angela like myself has hair past her shoulders that is naturally grown and cannot simply be replaced by taking out a weave and getting a new one. 

     Then all of a sudden another paint bomb goes off near us and this time it’s RED!  Oh Lord, my casual whites, my photo shoot whites!  I push Angela to the side using the gravitational force of pushing her, and not caring at all what’s happening to her, to propel my own selfish self behind a car away from the exploding red paint bomb…  I made it!  Then another red paint bomb lands right where I am hiding and I’m on the ground with no place to run.  I think fast and try to shield myself by just lifting my legs high holding them tightly together trying to deflect the blast hoping only the underside of my legs take the blast while keeping my hair and my jewelry safe…

     All of a sudden, a convertible clown car pulls up beside me with four clownish people inside covered with red paint and laughing their diabolical asses off.  I recognize the Convertible Clowns in one glance.  They are all my rebellious revolutionary friends from long ago in my bar days who are still living the frivolous life of bar people.  There is Old Toothless Tito in the passenger seat smiling all gums from ear to ear; we called him Toothless Tito because of all the Tanqueray he drank and the fact that it made most of his teeth fall out.  Then there was Theoda the Thug driving the car.  We all called Theoda a thug because she was known to steal everything from toothbrushes to toiletries and wash cloths to your own words…  Nothing Theoda had, did, or wrote was ever her own.  In the rear of the convertible clown car standing up in the back and laughing her ass off was Paula the Prison Bird who needs no explanation.  Also sitting down in the back and smiling like a Cheshire cat was Ridiculous Rodney; we called him Ridiculous Rodney because you never knew why he did anything and neither did he; his actions were always ridiculous and so was his life.

     I recognized them all as another red paint bomb went off and I couldn’t help laughing.  They were laughing hard as hell as I flipped them the bird as we were all laughing and flipping each other off and loving every minute of it…  The kind of fun that these Convertible Clowns and I had when we were young could never be disregarded or forgotten even though our lives had taken different turns…  That’s when through my laughter I saw Paula the Prison Bird pointing in my direction and looking at something far ahead of us.

     I realized the ‘prison bird’ was pointing at me and directing a huge grenade launcher of a paint machine off in the distance to lob all its artillery in my direction.  Oh hell no, I have never been accused of being a slow thinker; you can ask the paint soaked Angela about that.   I immediately leaped to the ground and grabbed a red paint grenade as it landed and hurled it into the center of the convertible clown car where it exploded all over the Convertible Clowns.  BAMM!  I heard all sorts of “you this’s” and “you that’s” from the paint covered clowns.  A true pack of crazy mad clowns at this point.  We all died in laughter… 

     Paula the Prison Bird decides she cannot live with me going out as the winner and she has had enough; she spastically goes for serious artillery.  Paula reaches into the front seat and grabs what is clearly the MX2000 Class 4 Nuclear Paint Bomb which is a five foot long water balloon filled with red paint converted to pure hell on earth and lobs it on top of me as I am incapacitated with laughter rolling on the ground.  I am trying to struggle free from the five foot long paint bomb while convulsively laughing which makes it impossible to maneuver away from the paint balloon before it explodes while the Convertible Clowns are shouting, “That’s the MX2000, BITCH!”

     That’s when it happens; the MX2000 explodes and goes off and my world goes RED!  All of a sudden it is Judgment Day and I am standing before God along with billions and billions of other souls but for some reason I am the only one covered in red paint.  God looks at the lone soul covered in red paint and says, “What is this?”  I say, “You see, what had happened was…”  Then my friend Angela steps forward covered in blue paint, “I’ll tell you what happened!” “Oh shut up Angela, damn, it’s my story.”

By

Anthonystjoseph

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Comedy Month Selection III: Losing Weight

LOSING WEIGHT

by

Anthonystjoseph

     I am preparing myself for a photo shoot and I have realized that I have gained thirty pounds since my last appearance before the professional ‘recorders of time’ known to you now as photographs…  I didn’t think anything of it until I recorded a video on my phone and saw jowls on my face, when I made certain facial gestures, that belonged to ME!  Wait a minute, number one, I was skinny when I took those last professional photos for my album and number two, I’M STILL SKINNY!

     Well, truth be told, I’m not that skinny…  I lifted my shirt in the bathroom mirror after the self discovery of the jowls on my face and yes indeed I did have a gut.  In actuality, I had a gut that could have been harboring a set of kangaroo twins that just got home from kindergarten and still had their backpacks on when they jumped in my pouch!  I immediately sucked in my gut and then I saw it!  There it was right in the mirror standing before me, MY OLD BODY!  RUT-ROW!  Photo shoot scheduled for when.

     I lose weight fast but I can’t stop eating.  It’s not like in the old days when I could just go out partying and drinking and just say, ‘I don’t need food’ or ‘I don’t want food’ and grab the occasional Carne Asada Burrito…  Now I’m a wise individual that rarely drinks alcohol, if at all, and I also committed a felony act against a slim waist a few years ago and quit smoking cigarettes.  It is true what they say about cigarettes being an appetite suppressor because when I woke up and smoked a cigarette in the past, I wouldn’t need or feel like eating breakfast.  Now I spend my first waking moments planning my breakfast and then wondering what’s for lunch while planning my evening snacks and NEVER forgetting DINNER!  This is not as bad as it sounds, thanks to my genetics, because I do have a very fast metabolism but I even put that to the test… Hold on, I dropped a gummy bear, “God kissed it, Devil missed it”, I’m back.

     Every time I have a good day and lose a few pounds, because I can lose a few pounds a day with this metabolism, but every time I have a good day I start to think about the individual servings of ‘Private Select’ Upside Down Pineapple Cakes I have in the refrigerator that only take FIFTY SECONDS to heat up and then they need just TWO MINUTES to cool down, which they rarely get in my haste, before you turn the individual container over and dump out the ready to eat HOT cake that is dripping in syrup and begging to be consumed very slowly as you savor the warm delectable soft sweetness with a piece of pineapple in each bite…  That was a long sentence but I’m sorry, I can’t pause when I talk about those CAKES!  If you’ve never tried them then DON’T!  Another enemy in this battle against the bulge is Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, the strongest foe I face.  You can talk about Butter Pecan but there really is none better than Mint Chocolate CHIP!  It’s like CRACK to a Crack Head for me…  If it’s in the refrigerator, I think about it…  I try to buy different flavors to curb my need but then I fall in love with them too.  Like the Kroger brand of Orange Scream which taste exactly like the orange covered ice cream filled popsicles of my youth; I can eat a whole half gallon of Orange Scream in one sitting and I HAVE!  Although I’m monogamous in love, I’m a COMPLETE polygamous TRAMP when it comes to ICE CREAM!  Mint Chocolate Chip and I have decided to have an open relationship, I voted for that while Mint just smiled!  We communicate.

     The bad news about losing a little of this new poundage just for the sake of vanity is that I LIKE the new poundage… I sometimes finish a good meal like the dinner I had tonight and just feel absolutely satiated.  Tonight I made some Au Gratin Potatoes with homemade hamburgers smothered in Provolone Cheese.  No vegetables because I’m on a diet, I have to start somewhere. After I finished eating I stood up and rubbed my belly…  I don’t know about you but when the food is real good I have to rub my belly, and when it’s really good then I just go to rubbing EVERYTHING and humming to myself…  I rubbed my butt after this meal and my left eyebrow went up as to the acknowledgement of the clear change in said butts size and a noticeable increase in its normal lack of vastness.  It happens that fast.

     I know exactly what Christina Aguilera is talking about when she says she just got tired of being skinny…  Sometimes I rub my NEW curves and say, “Hold up now, that feels like a booty!”  A booty is new to this skinny person too so again I know how Christina feels when she says she likes her new curves.  I’ve always had an athletic build but now my butt is bigger, my chest is bigger, my biceps are bigger; problem is, MY GUT IS BIGGER!  All in all, I think losing just twenty pounds will deal with the aforementioned jowls…  Sit ups, which I have never had to do outside my time in the Army, will handle the gut; and all else will fall into play with God’s assistance…  Did you see how I committed him there…  It’s Anthony’st’joseph, not Anthony’st’stupid!

     So let it be written, so let it be done!

By

Anthonystjoseph

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Comedy Month Selection II: The Light

 

THE LIGHT

by

Antonystjoseph

     A spiritual advisor of mine once told me that, ‘I was suppose to help bring trust back into the world’; this was beautiful and startling at the same time.  It was mainly startling because most who know me would call me either Cautious Carl or Paranoid Paul.  I am not a very trusting person although I am naïve sometimes.  I don’t necessarily trust people but I do believe what they tell me if you can understand that.  Basically, what I am saying is that I will most likely not trust you with my money, but I will believe that you will pay me back if I loan it to you.  So when this spiritual visitor into my life uttered the words in the ethereal tone stating, “That’s what you’re here for.  You’re going to bring trust back into the world.” I was struck into thought over the reasons or truth of why she was saying this.

     To give you an example of how untrusting I am, I am going to talk about the almighty, wonderful, glorious, and inviting, warm light that all who have traveled to the other side of life return and talk about.  People who have had N.D.E.’s (near death experiences) often return back from the land of no heart beat and speak of this wonderful light that they didn’t want to leave.  They say the light was so beautiful and made them feel so wonderful that they didn’t care about their loved ones that were left behind or anything else but staying in the light.  The only thing that I know that makes people NOT care about their loved ones is CRACK!  This light seems to have the same effect of smoking cocaine.  Crack has made plenty of people forget about their mothers, wives, fathers, husbands, and even their own children.  Just say NO!

     All I am saying is this; I am going to need references before I step through some portal into a ‘light’ that has the same effects of an illicit and illegal narcotic that I have seen take teeth and brains from folks.  Look at it this way ~ what if there was some presence out there that fed off the energy of your soul?  How would that presence get that energy without a fight from you?  I will tell you how!  They would offer your soul some ‘soul crack’!  Probably in the form of A LIGHT!  Your soul would say ‘see ya later’ to your own mama.  Just say NO!

    I already have my plan for when I see the light and it’s been fully worked out.  Yes, I am one who will be offered the light, don’t even think it.  I am going to say, “Hello”, and then I am going to stand there in front of the light until someone comes out and says it’s ‘okay’ to enter and that ‘someone’ better look like Saint Peter himself.  I also want the actor who played Saint Peter to come out as well so I can make sure it’s the real Saint Peter and not just the actor that I saw in a movie.  And then my GRANDMA THERESA better come out and tell me it is okay to enter because I KNOW she’s in Heaven.  After I quiz the ‘coming-out-of-the-light’ Grandma Theresa with the questions only the real Grandma Theresa would know, I am going to demand a sneak preview of the other side, as in a look through that ‘light’ before I step my black ass through ANYTHING!  Cautious Carl is in the house and alive and present, or should I say, ‘dead and scared of the light'.  I have taken way too many tests with trick questions not to be skeptical of some ‘light’ with the effects and draw of CRACK COCAINE!  And we all know what ‘CAIN’ did in the bible!  Slow your roll!

     So if I am going to help bring TRUST back into this world, here it is…  You can TRUST that I have reason NOT to TRUST!  You can TRUST that someone is going to give YOU reason NOT to TRUST.  You can always give people reason to TRUST, and you can always take that reason to TRUST, AWAY.  Be someone I can TRUST.  Be someone YOU can TRUST.  Be TRUSTWORTHY!

By

Anthonystjoseph

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Comedy Month Selection I: The Ocean

 

THE OCEAN

by

Anthonystjoseph

     Okay, seriously, why do some folks love to go swimming in the ocean?  The prospect of doing anything in the ocean other than looking at it escapes me.  I mean, you are swimming all up in somebody else’s HOUSE!  You do not have any idea of the real estate laws or traffic laws or even the criminal laws of the ocean…  And most of all, you don’t have any idea what the trespassing laws are.  A shark may have the right to take a bite out of you if you swim through a yellow light.  The rules are not the same down there.  Half these shark attacks may actually be legal in their world.  I’m just saying, until you can speak shark or whale you should probably stay out of their house.

     A long time ago, as a child, I went swimming in the Ocean.  In my swimming years I was raised in Minnesota so the Ocean was a new concept to me when I first saw it.  I swam out far into the Ocean and the hairs on the back of my neck came up for some reason.  I come from a family of folks with intuition and my silent alarms were GOING OFF!  I stopped and started floating in the water wondering what I was feeling…  My psychic sensors were telling me to listen closely.  I swam to the bottom like I did in the lakes of Minnesota, you know, to touch it… UN HUH! I swam back up to the top and then my alarms went off BIG TIME!  I looked out to the oceans horizon, and then I looked back at the shore and they looked the same!  WHERE WAS I!  Luckily, I could see the buildings after rubbing my eyes.  Then I heard this music, it was going, ‘DUNT DUNT; DUNT DUNT’!

     Oh LORD! I was thinking ‘what have you got yo dumb ass into this time you STUPID NEGRO!  Do you do that?  When you get yourself into trouble, you just start degrading yourself!  Becoming your own bully!  I said to myself in what felt like the middle of the ocean, or I should say the middle of nowhere, “You ALWAYS do STUPID SHIT like this and you CONSTANTLY F*CK THINGS UP!  Sometimes I’m really hard on myself…

     Anyway, the whole time I’m berating myself and then quieting myself to listen to the music and make sure I’m hearing right; that whole time, I am swimming like a runaway slave alongside Harriet Tubman with the dogs on one side and William Still on the other!  I get to the shore and I’m doing that running where you put your body first and your limbs second so the only thing they’ll get is a limb, HOPEFULLY!

     A year or two later I was watching this new movie ‘Jaws’ in the theater and then this music came on, “DUNT, DUNT!”  I SCREAMED, “THAT’S THAT MUSIC!”

By

Anthonystjoseph

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