Friday, May 1, 2015

Comedy Month Selection I: The Ocean


 
THE OCEAN

by
Anthonystjoseph

     Okay, seriously, why do some folks love to go swimming in the ocean?  The prospect of doing anything in the ocean other than looking at it escapes me.  I mean, you are swimming all up in somebody else’s HOUSE!  You do not have any idea of the real estate laws or traffic laws or even the criminal laws of the ocean…  And most of all, you don’t have any idea what the trespassing laws are.  A shark may have the right to take a bite out of you if you swim through a yellow light.  The rules are not the same down there.  Half these shark attacks may actually be legal in their world.  I’m just saying, until you can speak shark or whale you should probably stay out of their house.

     A long time ago, as a child, I went swimming in the Ocean.  In my swimming years I was raised in Minnesota so the Ocean was a new concept to me when I first saw it.  I swam out far into the Ocean and the hairs on the back of my neck came up for some reason.  I come from a family of folks with intuition and my silent alarms were GOING OFF!  I stopped and started floating in the water wondering what I was feeling…  My psychic sensors were telling me to listen closely.  I swam to the bottom like I did in the lakes of Minnesota, you know, to touch it… UN HUH! I swam back up to the top and then my alarms went off BIG TIME!  I looked out to the oceans horizon, and then I looked back at the shore and they looked the same!  WHERE WAS I!  Luckily, I could see the buildings after rubbing my eyes.  Then I heard this music, it was going, ‘DUNT DUNT; DUNT DUNT’!

     Oh LORD! I was thinking ‘what have you got yo dumb ass into this time you STUPID NEGRO!  Do you do that?  When you get yourself into trouble, you just start degrading yourself!  Becoming your own bully!  I said to myself in what felt like the middle of the ocean, or I should say the middle of nowhere, “You ALWAYS do STUPID SHIT like this and you CONSTANTLY F*CK THINGS UP!  Sometimes I’m really hard on myself…

     Anyway, the whole time I’m berating myself and then quieting myself to listen to the music and make sure I’m hearing right; that whole time, I am swimming like a runaway slave alongside Harriet Tubman with the dogs on one side and William Still on the other!  I get to the shore and I’m doing that running where you put your body first and your limbs second so the only thing they’ll get is a limb, HOPEFULLY!

     A year or two later I was watching this new movie ‘Jaws’ in the theater and then this music came on, “DUNT, DUNT!”  I SCREAMED, “THAT’S THAT MUSIC!”

By

Anthonystjoseph

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