MY RELATIONSHIP WITH
THIS ENTITY YOU CALL GOD
by
Anthonystjoseph
As a child, I listened to my mother in her
seemingly foolish relationship with this entity she referred to as ‘God’. In my intelligent but childish mind I
basically ignored her ramblings in the same manner that I ignored her when she
spoke of Santa Clause or the Boogie Man. I knew that she was being deceptive in her
storytelling but for some reason I believed everything else she said. My mind had
taken on a force of its own in ignoring her claims of an ever present and all
powerful God. What kind of fool would believe that some
cloud came down and made love to some virgin who then gave birth to this
particular clouds son whom the cloud
let be nailed to a cross and so on and so on…
I really just let my mind wander to its
own thoughts whenever the subject of her God came up and basically twiddled my
fingers during Catholic services which thank God were only forty five minutes long on the average. I also think I allowed myself to experience
my first episodes of enduring walk-ins
because I still cannot tell you about any of my time as an Altar Boy! Although I can tell you that I was never touched
by any priest whatsoever. And I am still
slightly upset about that on some level because the only thing I ever got from
a priest was a football on Christmas and my question to you is; WAS I UGLY!
Now without getting into the embarrassing
and hideous truth that the Catholic Church now mandatorily moves their priest
around every few years and the simple truth that it is a contrived method to
help and hope the abused kids forget the perpetrators of alleged abuse… Let’s get back to me. But before we get back to me and the meaning
of this piece; I do have to mention the nuns in Catholic School and my
understanding of this Penguin attired
beast! When the talk show host Phil
Donahue came out with his show on Lesbian nuns and how the Catholic Church was
riddled with them while having his panel full of lesbian nuns who came forth
and spoke on the rampant sex in the convents and the truth of their
nature… I immediately knew all of these
nuns were speaking the truth because
I knew them!
I dealt with many of these nuns and the
pain that they inflicted on us children under their care! As I watched the show I heard the death growl
of Joan Crawford and her repressed lesbianism that drove her to her own form of
madness and heard her scream at me in the screech and voice of a nun! I heard the voice of nuns who taught me
saying things to me that now clearly came out as, “No more wire hangars!” I had
been whipped by nuns with wooden rulers more than I had been whipped by family
members for various infractions… I
actually recall the incident of being taken out of my third grade classroom by
paramedics on a stretcher to a waiting ambulance where I was taken directly
into surgery and had a plate put under my right eye due to the lack of
supervision or care that a nun was supposed to provide. I myself knew watching that Phil Donahue
episode; nuns were women who were capable of seriously ominous acts. They were miserable people.
If you want the truth on nuns and priest I
will give it to you in a nutshell. Men
who were homosexually inclined as well as women who leaned towards the same
spectrum of human sexuality in the old days had nowhere to turn if they didn’t
want to face the burden of telling their family the truth about their sexuality. If you didn’t want your family to realize
that you were a forty year old man or woman who still wasn’t married and that
something was supposedly ‘wrong’ with you and you were Catholic; you joined the
convent or became a priest; problem solved!
Thankfully, we as mankind have progressed past this point although I am
sure some in Italy and other parts of the old world still feel the need to hide
in the church but in America I think we have gotten past this point. But here again; back to me!
So
I’m living my life and walking my path and not giving two pennies of a thought
to this Santa Clause, Boogie Man, God, or Devil that my mamma told me about
with that same old lying tongue that she told me about all of them… Now granted, as I’m walking my path I am
continually and completely avoiding this rain cloud that is following me
throughout life steadily grumbling, ‘I
know you hear me boy!’ I don’t hear
nothing but my laughter and joy at the wonders of life and multiple cries from
my existence when the laughter stops on a regular basis and just attribute the oft loss of laughter to life itself.
Well eventually I have no choice but to
realize, there is a black cloud over my head and my head alone that is frigging
talking to me and appears to be angry…
Okay, let me go back to me as a child and
more so when I denied the existence of a God and laughed at the possibility. As I said, I really just spent my time in
church twiddling my thumbs and living in a world of imagination; I figured since
the people in church were living in a world of imagination, I may as well do
the same thing. I sat there in my pew
next to my mother thinking about anything and everything and wishing I could
nod off and go to sleep but I had too much energy. Still, to this day, I was and am glad I was
born into a Catholic family because it was only an unbearable forty five
minutes!
Now we do have to keep in mind that I
still had this ever present, and as my learned friends would say, omnipresent
black cloud that was following me and getting increasingly annoyed that I was
ignoring it… And as my ignorance of the
cloud continued, it continued to get blacker and blacker; I even think I heard
it talking to itself at some point saying; ‘this little no good non listening
speck of biology is going to hear me one way or another and I do not want to
have to introduce his little ignorant ass to ‘another’!’ Well, I continued on about my life and felt
at ease ignoring the cloud no matter how much it stepped in and bashed me in
the head or the eye or rained on my
parade.
I always knew the cloud was there and at a
certain point I truly did start to feel and realize that the cloud was sentient
and actually capable of thought but I still felt the presence of mind to ignore
it. I even started to loosely challenge
people as in, do you yourself see a cloud and is that what you’re referring to
as ‘God’. I will never forget when I
asked one of my first best friend’s mother who was really religious about this
creature and character she called God; a creature that she openly, outright,
and completely believed in. She even
talked of the Holy Ghost! I said to her
in a quiet living room with my best friend whom was her son sitting next to me
as we were only fourteen years old. I
said, “Tell me about this Holy Ghost that you say you catch?” She said, “Well, at first it grabs
you,…” She didn’t and couldn’t go any
further because I burst out in the loudest and most, shall I say it, diabolical laugh! I couldn’t believe this sane woman would say
something so stupid! Are you kidding me!
Flash forward thirty years and you wont
believe it; that messy ass Holy Ghost snuck up on me when I was half
asleep! I can’t tell you what it was but
I can tell you this! SOMETHING HAPPENED! I can’t tell you what happened, but I can
tell you this; it was INCREDIBLE! It’s
clearly and obviously one of the chapters in my memoir that is remarkable but
it was something so special… Now here
again; back to me and this particular exploration of how I came to be me at present.
So, as this young child I couldn’t get
into the idea of some looming figure controlling everything… But one thing I did know as a child; I had
done this whole thing before! Yes, I
knew at the age of three of four years old that I had lived before and this was
all just another trip at the rodeo! This
is one reason I never took anything too serious in this life as far as ambition
is concerned… I remember around four or
five years old looking at my mother and thinking, ‘yeah, yeah… and who are
you! Because you certainly aren’t my
mother and I have no idea why you’re telling me so’. I even found myself staring into the mirror
around this age wondering who in the hell I was looking at because it was not
me! It was certainly not the ‘me’ I was use to looking at when I
looked into a reflecting glass. Life had
taken a serious turn where I was concerned and it was clearly my mission and
plan to figure out what had happened and what was happening!
I would not settle with questions to this
riddle; I would find the truth.
By
Anthonystjoseph
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