My Secret Chambers

 

MY SECRET CHAMBERS

by

Anthonystjoseph

     Falling in love is a very dangerous sport…  I have no problems loving the world and things and people in the world; but loving one person is something that I always sought, but yet and still managed to avoid.  I have loved a few people in my life and by few I mean three.  The three people that I loved were very safe acts of love because the love was never returned…  It was safe…  In all my years I remained in a safe cubicle of existence while keeping my heart protected from ALL danger…  Then it happened…

     I managed to fall in love with someone who managed to love me back.  This was extremely dangerous as my chromosomes and DNA were sending extreme warning signs of, “You fool!” and “Aw damn, after all this time, this fool done gone and FELL OFF!”  I knew that my heart itself was even saying, “No, No, No, you know you have a murmur…”  There was an inner battle going on inside of me with the two sides being my desire to be loved and love, and my desire to protect myself from harm and a crushed heart. 

     When you love someone and they love you back you enter into parts of your heart and soul that are raw, pink, and unprotected.  You can literally be crushed and watch as a bystander while someone takes your heart and squeezes it like a rag while they smile and laugh with their friends…  These are the horrible images a broken heart produces…  A broken heart becomes the Benedict Arnold of your existence…  It laughs at you, it cries with you, it mocks you, it reminisces with you, it keeps beating for you, it becomes the warden of your thoughts and it’s all in retribution for letting someone into its secret place.  It treats you as the traitor because you let the culprit in…  Your heart tells you when you’re alone, “YOU DID THIS!”  You tell your heart when you’re alone, “YOU LET IT HAPPEN!"
 

     I’ve only let one person into the secret chambers of my heart.  That person stayed there and put up pictures and moved in with promises of staying…  My heart said, “Okay, but it’s on you rookie.”  I took the responsibility.  Then one day I went to the secret chambers of my heart and the pictures were gone and the walls were empty…  They had left my secret chambers and my heart was PISSED!  My heart actually turned on me and said, “Now I’m going to show you pain.”  I screamed at my heart through my tears of loss, “What are you talking about?  I’m the one alone.”  My heart screamed at the top of its lungs, “WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER!”

     I ran to the refrigerator and opened a can of Budweiser.  I didn’t stop opening those cans for two to three weeks…  I also used Benadryl to sleep because I felt I needed the assistance and aid to help shut my heart up because it had NEVER treated me this way before.  “Yap, yap, yap, you did it, YOU DID IT!”  We had always been so good together…  We never let each other out of the others sight…  We did everything together.  We were friends for life. 

     That had all changed…  Eventually I crawled up off the floor and got my heart to realize that we had to stay friends and that we HAD to stick together and the abuse that it was putting me through was serving neither one of us any good. 

     My heart is now at this present time in a slight self induced coma…  It is refusing to speak to me and has sent a message via intercom that it is leaving this decision to fate and myself.  You see, my heart was listening in on the phone call I just had…  The CULPRIT is BACK!  My heart knows that I’m powerless against the 'culprit'.  A spy that I instilled in my heart after the big 'blowout' we had has informed me that my heart is secretly pulling for the culprit to succeed in entering the secret chambers again because apparently my heart said, “That’s what it’s there for.”

By

Anthonystjoseph

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