CONVERTIBLE CLOWNS VIII:
THE CAPTURE OF ANTHONYSTJOSEPH
by
Anthonystjoseph
With the slightly comical and accidental
death of Toothless Tito and the new failure of capturing Anthonystjoseph,
Ridiculous Rodney, Theoda the Thug, and Paula the Prison Bird returned to the
underworld to report to the Dark Lord what happened. They were summoned to the throne room of the
Dark Lord and all three walked in like Dorothy and her cohorts to see the
Wizard of Oz; they were scared shitless.
They still couldn’t decide who would tell the Dark Lord they had failed
again although they were sure he already knew.
The reception in the underworld they received from everyone until this
moment had been one of pity. Someone one
was going to have to pay and all three were planning on blaming it on Toothless
Tito and his hapless choice to carry the Nuclear Power Grenade Launcher while
running over rough terrain. When he
tripped and fell and shot himself with the launcher it gave Anthonystjoseph the
chance to get away.
They walked up to the Dark Lord’s throne
and all three stood still and came to the military position of Attention in
front of the Dark Lord as he rubbed his diabolical chin. The Dark Lord looked them over in his most
sinister manner as Ridiculous Rodney peed his pants. The Dark Lord continued to remain silent as
every member of the Dark Lord’s court dared not make a peep because everyone in
the Throne Room knew someone was going to pay for these clowns failure. The capture of Anthonystjoseph had become
somewhat of an obsession for the Dark Lord.
The Dark Lord finally spoke in a very slow
and maniacal tone, “Tell me what happened Mister Ridiculous.” Ridiculous Rodney looks at the two other
clowns and in a panic says, “Why me?!
Toothless Tito and Paula were in charge!” The Dark Lord finally loses his temper and
yells so loud the whole Throne room trembles, “BECAUSE I SAID SO! THAT’S WHY!”
Ridiculous Rodney’s knees start
to wobble as he proceeds to tell their prepared story of what happened and how
and why Anthonystjoseph got away again.
Ridiculous Rodney starts to explain to the
Dark Lord, “Well, we had all decided that I would fire the Nuclear Powered
Grenade Launcher that you had given us since I was the best shot. Then when we caught up to Anthonystjoseph,
Toothless Tito took the launcher away from me and started running through all
of this rocky desert terrain. Anyone
with any common sense knows you don’t run through rocky terrain with a gun with
the safety off. And sure enough, Tito
fell over a large rock he didn’t see and the launcher went off and turned him into
a useless puddle. Now if I had the
launcher like we originally planned…” At
this moment in his story Toothless Tito walks from behind the throne as the
Dark Lord smiles at Ridiculous Rodney with an evil foreboding. Ridiculous Rodney is caught off guard and
says, “Oh Lordy, Hey Tito, glad to see you’re okay…” “SILENCE!”
The Dark Lord screams.
The Dark Lord walks up to face all of the
failed clowns as Tito smiles in his own sinister way. The Dark Lord addresses Ridiculous Rodney,
“You don’t think I know what happened?
You’re all ridiculous fools. As
Tito suggested, I should have sent him there on his own. But as usual, someone has to pay for this
failure and I’ve decided on the most ridiculous of all of you paying the debt
for this failure.” Theoda the Thug and
Paula the Prison Bird both give each other a hopeful and conspiratorial side
eye at the word ‘ridiculous’ and thanking their lucky stars it’s not them.
Ridiculous Rodney tries to make a plea to
no avail, “Oh no Dark Lord. Oh no…” The Dark Lord snaps, “SHUT UP!” The Dark Lord
Trembles as he raises his paw and says, “You’ve always looked like the most
ridiculous clown in a humorous way Rodney but now you will look like a maniacal
ridiculous clown!” He waves his paw as
Ridiculous Rodney closes his eyes in fearful anticipation of the worst. The transformation happens and Paula the
Prison Bird couldn’t help but laugh inwardly at Ridiculous Rodney’s new clown
look. It was completely comical and
maniacal and a look you could almost not take seriously. Rodney was now a clown with a head the size
of a steroid injected watermelon and a chin the size of an orange. Paula loved it! Rodney also had a new malformed body with a
hunchback. The thing that Paula loved
most was the fact that now Ridiculous Rodney had horns. Paula was going to laugh her ass off at him
when they were alone to pay Rodney back for laughing at her. Another funny part was the fact that Rodney
almost had the same exact dark stained yellow gaped teeth with the very same
blackened gums. Theoda actually felt
sorry for Rodney but couldn’t help looking at the permanently attached maniacal
look on Ridiculous Rodney’s new clown face which was only accented by the
yellow eyes.
The Dark Lord spoke one last time, “I understand
you have quite enjoyed Paula’s transformation so now you can enjoy your
own. Now all three of you will join
Toothless Tito and this time you will not kill Anthonystjoseph. You will bring him to me. And to avoid any questions, yes, Tito is in
charge! Now leave my kingdom and don’t
return until you have that mongrel in hand.
GO!” They all left while Paula
giggled when out of earshot of the Dark Lord and Ridiculous Rodney looked at
her with pure hate.
They return to the desert as Toothless
Tito takes charge. He tells the other
clowns, “Anthonystjoseph has returned to the cave with the cougar and that is
where we will find him. And if anyone
doesn’t listen to everything I tell them to do, I will report you directly to
the Dark Lord.” They arrive at the cave
as Tito lays out the plan.
Inside the cave Anthonystjoseph is having
a conversation with the angelic cougar, “I don’t understand how you’re talking
to me.” The cougar replies, “Why
not? You used to talk to your favorite
dog Sabu.” “Yeah, well I only talked to
Sabu in that one dream.” The cougar
responds, “Dreams and reality are sometimes the same thing. Surely you’ve learned that already.” Anthonystjoseph responds, “Yeah, I
have.” The cougar continues, “And by the
way, Sabu was sent from the Dark Lord himself as you eventually learned; as all
lessons you will learn will reveal more and more to you. But now I must leave you, the clowns have
approached from the horizon outside the cave.
The rest of this journey you must continue alone.” Anthonystjoseph objects, “But wait, how will
I get away!?!” The cougar informs him, “This
time you will not escape. Your journey
will get much worse before it gets better.
You are going to meet the Dark Lord.”
“What in the hell do you mean I’m going to meet the Dark Lord! I thought my place in Heaven was solidified
for that one thing! Hold ON!” “Be calm Anthonystjoseph. You will still be protected and still be
guided. You are always watched over as
all are. Just remember, be strong.” The cougar slowly fades into small flickers
of light resembling stars and then disappears altogether.
Anthonystjoseph throws a fit as the cougar
disappears, “If I have one more supposedly spiritual intervention tell me to be
strong I’m gonna lose it!” As he is
wondering about the cougar telling him he’s going to meet the Dark Lord he
hears Toothless Tito outside the cave.
“Okay Mister Anthonystjoseph, you’re surrounded! And we know the cougar has left you so come
out with your hands up! We’re taking you
to the Dark Lord himself and there is no way around it!” Anthonystjoseph has a new sense of strength
after his time with the cougar and comes out of the cave with his hands up as
Ridiculous Rodney runs up to him and punches him in the stomach. Anthonystjoseph falls over after losing his
wind from the gut punch and Paula the Prison Bird kicks him again in the
stomach. Toothless Tito yells, “THAT’S
ENOUGH!”
Ridiculous Rodney screams, “That’s ENOUGH!? Look at me!
I have a head the size of a small moon with silly horns coming out of my
skull and a big hunch on my back and the body of a nine year old school
girl! And you say THAT’S ENOUGH!” He kicks him again. Rodney storms off as Toothless Tito helps
Paula to pick Anthonystjoseph up off the ground. They stand him up and tell him he’s coming
with them. Toothless Tito tells
Anthonystjoseph that he is going to meet the Dark Lord and to prepare for the
worst and then sinisterly smiles with his new set of pearly white
dentures. Paula the Prison Bird tells
Anthonystjoseph, “Yeah TONY! It’s your
time to meet the Dark Lord and I can’t wait!”
Anthonystjoseph looks at Paula and says, “Damn Paula, you don’t look so
hot. What has happened to you?” Paula glares at him and shouts, “SHUT
UP! I said you happened to me!” Anthonystjoseph says, “I didn’t do anything
to you. You’ve been chasing me.”
They arrive to the underworld and carry
Anthonystjoseph in chains to the Throne Room to meet the Dark Lord. The chamber leading to the Dark Lord’s Throne
is more crowded than any of the clowns have ever seen it. The room falls silent as Anthonystjoseph is
brought in and they all stare in wonder and everyone is still wondering why the
Dark Lord is so concerned with him. The
clowns arrive to the bottom of the Dark Lord’s Throne and throw Anthonystjoseph
down at the bottom of the throne and Toothless Tito says, “As you requested my
Lord.” The Dark Lord rubs his chin as he
stares at the chained captive and then lets out an unearthly and hideous
laughter that shakes the entire room as Anthonystjoseph looks up in disbelief
at the Dark Lord himself.
By
Anthonystjoseph
All works copyrighted © and protected by law
No comments:
Post a Comment