CONVERTIBLE CLOWNS IV: THEODA THE THUG
by
Anthonystjoseph
Theoda the Thug sat there in the back seat
of the clown car next to Ridiculous Rodney and could not help but to think how
lucky she was that the Dark Lord didn’t take out their latest failure to
capture and kill Anthonystjoseph on her.
Theoda was in disbelief at how grotesque the Dark Lord had made Paula
the Prison Bird’s face. Theoda never
knew whether she wanted to laugh or cry whenever she looked at Paula’s
face. Theoda herself knew she wasn’t the
prettiest bird on the block with the original charcoal grey skin combined with
yellow veins the Dark Lord had given her but she could still turn a head or two
in the underworld. Even though Paula was
someone you could never trust or turn your back on, she was still part of the
group. Theoda was thankful that she was
only reduced to a clown costume and a skin color change and not a complete
physical makeover like Paula had just undergone. Theoda wondered where her life had gone
wrong. She knew that she had been a
naturally inclined thief all of her life but had that in itself sentenced her
to be a servant of the Dark Lord. She
would never know the final sin that sentenced her to this current life of Hell
but she was going to do everything in her power to find and kill
Anthonystjoseph because he and his desire to do good and help heal the world
was enough to make her want to vomit; he alone was the sole reason for her
current state of hellish reality. And
more importantly to Theoda, if she had never been assigned to monitor and try
and lure Anthonystjoseph into the dark world during high school, she would
never be in the predicament she was in today; riding in a diabolically
convertible clown car with a bunch of deranged genetic castoffs.
Theoda the Thug sat there enjoying the
desert wind on her face as she remembered the first time she met Anthonystjoseph. He was an unsuspecting little idiot as far as
she could tell. She just couldn’t
understand the Dark Lord’s fascination with Anthonystjoseph but one who wanted
to remain unharmed usually never questioned the Dark Lord’s bidding. One look at Paula the Prison Bird’s new
horrendously sculpted clown face could tell you that fact. She remembered when Anthonystjoseph came
walking down the sidewalk in the high school courtyard as the Dark Lord
whispered and hissed in her ear, “There’s that little mongrel right there.”
Theoda smiled at Anthonystjoseph as he
walked past her and he smiled back and continued on his way. It would be easy befriending Anthonystjoseph
because he didn’t seem to have many friends in high school. As a matter of fact, most of the high school
kids felt the same way as Theoda did; he just didn’t seem to be worth the
time. Why on Earth the Dark Lord was
preoccupied with him was puzzling and seemed to be the only puzzling thing
about Anthonystjoseph at the time. Who
was she to judge the Dark Lord’s request.
She slowly made her way into Anthonystjoseph’s life as a friend and
proceeded to start her diabolical actions of trying to destroy his character as
the Dark Lord ordered. To Theoda,
Anthonystjoseph was totally annoying; he was always cracking jokes and always
telling stories that he said were true.
Theoda could barely stand him.
Then Anthonystjoseph joined the Army and they lost contact until a few
years later.
Anthonystjoseph had contacted Theoda in
Hollywood and suggested they get an apartment and become roommates since he was
getting out of the Army. In Hollywood,
Theoda couldn’t make a real connection with him while they lived as roommates
because mister ‘stjoseph just seemed to have his own agenda. Some inner strength or guidance system seemed
to be leading him down some certain path.
Maybe this path was the reason the Dark Lord was so interested in
destroying him. The Dark Lord punished
Theoda in several ways for failing to make a connection and help destroy this
supposedly chosen one and that’s when her hate for Anthonystjoseph grew to
startling proportions. He first forced
Theoda to live in a trailer home for her failures. Theoda couldn’t imagine having to tell her
friends in Hollywood that she lived in a trailer. Theoda stared at Paula in the front seat with
her grotesque clown face with the gaped protruding yellow teeth and decided
once and for all that she would make Anthonystjoseph pay. She would blast him with the Nuclear Powered
Grenade Launcher herself even though Ridiculous Rodney had planned on carrying
out the order himself with the launcher.
Ridiculous Rodney sat next to Theoda in
the convertible clown car just giggling to himself as he rubbed the grenade
launcher. Theoda couldn’t help but think
of what an imbecile Rodney was. If they
failed in this new capture and destroy attempt then she would make sure that
all the blame fell on Rodney when dealing with the Dark Lord. All Ridiculous Rodney ever did was giggle and
drink liquor while snorting crushed aspirin all day. In his ridiculousness he said that snorting
the aspirin helped him to drink more without getting sick. Theoda thought, Yep, Ridiculous Rodney was
appropriately named and she would make sure he got what he deserved for his silliness.
All of a sudden Paula the Prison Bird
wakes from her stupor and says, “Okay, the last time we saw that
Anthonystjoseph thing he was in this area coming up.” Theoda pushed Rodney over on the rear seat of
the clown car and started scanning the surrounding desert for the whereabouts
of Anthonystjoseph. He would not escape
them this time if she had anything to do with it. She would blast his silly ass with the
Nuclear Powered Grenade Launcher herself as if her life depended on it, and she
felt it did!
Anthonystjoseph
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