MY SECRET CHAMBERS
by
Anthonystjoseph
Falling in
love is a very dangerous sport… I have
no problems loving the world and things and people in the world; but loving one
person is something that I always sought, but yet and still managed to
avoid. I have loved a few people in my
life and by few I mean three. The three
people that I loved were very safe acts of love because the love was never
returned… It was safe… In all my years I remained in a safe cubicle of
existence while keeping my heart protected from ALL danger… Then it happened…
I managed to fall in love with someone who
managed to love me back. This was
extremely dangerous as my chromosomes and DNA were sending extreme warning
signs of, “You fool!” and “Aw damn, after all this time, this fool done gone
and FELL OFF!” I knew that my heart itself
was even saying, “No, No, No, you know you have a murmur…” There was an inner battle going on inside of me
with the two sides being my desire to be loved and love, and my desire to
protect myself from harm and a crushed heart.
When you love someone and they love you
back you enter into parts of your heart and soul that are raw, pink, and
unprotected. You can literally be
crushed and watch as a bystander while someone takes your heart and squeezes it
like a rag while they smile and laugh with their friends… These are the horrible images a broken heart
produces… A broken heart becomes the
Benedict Arnold of your existence… It
laughs at you, it cries with you, it mocks you, it reminisces with you, it
keeps beating for you, it becomes the warden of your thoughts and it’s all in
retribution for letting someone into its secret place. It treats you as the traitor because you let
the culprit in… Your heart tells you
when you’re alone, “YOU DID THIS!” You
tell your heart when you’re alone, “YOU LET IT HAPPEN!”
I’ve only let one person into the secret
chambers of my heart. That person stayed
there and put up pictures and moved in with promises of staying… My heart said, “Okay, but it’s on you rookie.” I took the responsibility. Then one day I went to the secret chambers of
my heart and the pictures were gone and the walls were empty… They had left my secret chambers and my heart
was PISSED! My heart actually turned on
me and said, “Now I’m going to show you pain.”
I screamed at my heart through my tears of loss, “What are you talking
about? I’m the one alone.” My heart screamed at the top of its lungs,
“WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER!”
I ran to the refrigerator and opened a can
of Budweiser. I didn’t stop opening
those cans for two to three weeks… I also used
Benadryl to sleep because I felt I needed the assistance and aid to help shut
my heart up because it had NEVER treated me this way before. “Yap, yap, yap, you did it, YOU DID IT!” We had always been so good together… We never let each other out of the others
sight… We did everything together. We were friends for life.
That had all changed… Eventually I crawled up off the floor and got
my heart to realize that we had to stay friends and that we HAD to stick
together and the abuse that it was putting me through was serving neither one
of us any good.
My heart is now at this present time in a
slight self induced coma… It is refusing
to speak to me and has sent a message via intercom that it is leaving this
decision to fate and myself. You see my
heart was listening in on the phone call I just had… The culprit is BACK! My heart knows that I’m powerless against the
culprit and a spy that I instilled in my heart after the big blowout we had has
informed me that my heart is secretly pulling for the culprit to succeed in
entering the secret chambers again because apparently my heart said, “That’s
what it’s there for.”
By
Anthonystjoseph
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