My Aluminum Hat

MY ALUMINUM HAT

by

Anthonystjoseph
 

      I hate it when I meet someone on an airplane and we make a date and then when the plane lands and airport security gives me my aluminum hat back, they act like they don’t know me…  Makes me sad.  I am still going to start a group for all my peers and associates who are in the know and realize that an aluminum hat is essential for our survival as a species.  The takeover by the intruders is inevitable and almost completely unstoppable.  The only form of protection we have is the ‘aluminum hat’ which has been disparaged, maligned, and laughed at by all who haven’t experienced the serene calm and silence that an aluminum hat can provide…  I know you’re thinking that the silence is because everyone avoids me and my aluminum hat but you would be wrong.  The silence is the result of the aluminum preventing the noises of the grid from getting in to my head.

     I remember as a child when I fell asleep with the leftover aluminum from a popcorn tin on my leg and waking up and realizing the comfort and peace that my leg was feeling as if it was completely relaxed…  It made me ponder the wonderful qualities of aluminum right then and there.  As I got older and started sleeping with all the old popcorn tins I could muster and using Reynolds Wraps widest rolls of aluminum as sheets; I knew then, I had found a cure to all the humming and endless chatter of strange voices in my head.  Never again would I be caught dead without my protector and hero, aluminum.

     Two years after sleeping in the comfort of self designed aluminum sheets I saw the movie ‘Signs’ at the young influential age of twelve years old and realized that the aluminum hat was the only way to go.  I realized I could have my nightly serenity on a twenty-four-hour a day basis…  I have never been without my custom made aluminum hat since.

     Now as to the present dilemma of what to call my ‘aluminum hat’ group, I’m thinking of a few names such as:

·       ‘YEAH IT’S ALUMINUM, AND’

·       ‘I’m not wearing my aluminum hat right now because my therapist is testing a theory’

·       ‘I HAD my aluminum hat but that alien who just ran past you TOOK IT!’

·       ‘I’m not wearing my aluminum hat because they took it when they put me in this padded cell’

·       ‘What padded CELL’

·       ‘My aluminum hat is in my other car’

·       ‘You need to try ALUMINUM’

·       ‘Shirley Maclaine has one just like it’

·       ‘You better run for COVER!’

·       ‘THEY’RE HERE’

·       ‘GET YOUR OWN DAMN HAT’

·       ‘My aluminum has a second name, it’s b-o-l-o-n-e-Y’

·       ‘YOU BENT IT!’

     All in all, I wish I could help the world to heal and realize that ALUMINUM is our only protection and salvation in this harsh world of inevitable takeover.  As far as ‘aluminum’ is concerned, I’m starting with the ‘man in the mirror’.  If you have a suggestion for the name of my group of ‘aluminum hat’ wearers please submit it below ~ thank you in advance ~ may the ‘aluminum’ be with you.

By

Anthonystjoseph

All works copyrighted  and protected by law

South Silly

 

SOUTH SILLY

by

Anthonystjoseph

 

     You may ask yourself what is ‘South Silly’ since it’s my own diagnosis of a problem that I have in my own world, and as a writer, I will gladly tell you what ‘South Silly’ is.  South Silly is a condition that overtakes me when someone comes out of their skin jumping into my world behaving so disrespectful and making me go so South on them that it just gets SILLY!  You see, I’m worse than a Crack Baby, I’m a Jack Daniel’s BABY!  I’m from Tennessee!  A Jack Daniel’s Baby is worse than a Crack Baby because a Jack Daniel’s Baby has more concentration.

     Having this externally imposed hair trigger personality is a difficult life but it is not my fault.  Unfortunate and continual events throughout my life have led me to this particular state of mind…  I also must include many honorable mentions to the MULTITUDES of ‘stupids’ that I have run into that have seemed to have the perennial need to mess with my serenity…

     Another group of words I use for my South Silly flare ups are words that are very apropos and I understood these words spoken as soon as I saw and heard them spoken on screen…  When I saw Oprah Winfrey’s character in ‘The Color Purple’ tell her friend, ‘Get my kids home’ I knew EXACTLY what her soul was saying to her and I knew exactly what her fear was.  I knew she was saying to her friend a fact that she had learned about herself as in, ‘I have no control of what I’m about to do and it might not end well for my freedom’.  So sometimes I call my ‘South Silly’ moments my ‘get-my-kids-home’ moments…  I thank God every DAY, every day I think about it that is, I thank God every day for not having landed in jail.  As a person who’s prone to South Silly Attacks you know that sometimes when someone makes you go South Silly, and if you can’t control it, then the kids best not be with you because you might lose guardianship status if they are, based on your actions alone.

     There are other characters in literature that suffer from these very same and similar passionate outbursts that manage to escape any serious harm or penal situations and I feel as graced and blessed as those same characters…  I think I am graced in these situations because I generally take the high road and always have a foundation of truth and moral conviction.  That’s where being a Jack Daniels Baby versus being a crack baby comes in handy; as a Jack Baby you have more clarity…  Tennessee makes you think.  I have escaped imminent death with my words and very few can do that; and even fewer can say it.

     The point I’m trying to make here is this…  I cannot be held accountable.  It’s not my FAULT!  It’s the JACK!  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

     You see what I did here don’t ya?  I’m setting up my defense for my trial once again…  This is called a ‘premeditated defense’, the ‘South Silly’ defense.

By

Anthonystjoseph

All works copyrighted  and protected by law