LOSING WEIGHT
by
Anthonystjoseph
I am preparing myself for a photo shoot
and I have realized that I have gained thirty pounds since my last appearance
before the professional ‘recorders of
time’ known to you now as photographs…
I didn’t think anything of it until I recorded a video on my phone and
saw jowls on my face, when I made certain facial gestures, that belonged to
ME! Wait a minute, number one, I was
skinny when I took those last professional photos for my album and number two,
I’M STILL SKINNY!
Well, truth be told, I’m not that skinny… I lifted my shirt in the bathroom mirror
after the self discovery of the jowls on my face and yes indeed I did have a
gut. In actuality, I had a gut that
could have been harboring a set of kangaroo twins that just got home from kindergarten
and still had their backpacks on when they jumped in my pouch! I immediately sucked in my gut and then I saw
it! There it was right in the mirror
standing before me, MY OLD BODY!
RUT-ROW! Photo shoot scheduled
for when.
I lose weight fast but I can’t stop
eating. It’s not like in the old days
when I could just go out partying and drinking and just say, ‘I don’t need
food’ or ‘I don’t want food’ and grab the occasional Carne Asada Burrito… Now I’m a wise individual that rarely drinks
alcohol, if at all, and I also committed a felony act against a slim waist a
few years ago and quit smoking cigarettes.
It is true what they say about cigarettes being an appetite suppressor
because when I woke up and smoked a cigarette in the past, I wouldn’t need or
feel like eating breakfast. Now I spend
my first waking moments planning my breakfast and then wondering what’s for
lunch while planning my evening snacks and NEVER forgetting DINNER! This is not as bad as it sounds, thanks to my
genetics, because I do have a very fast metabolism but I even put that to the
test… Hold on, I dropped a gummy bear, “God kissed it, Devil missed it”, I’m
back.
Every time I have a good day and lose a
few pounds, because I can lose a few pounds a day with this metabolism, but
every time I have a good day I start to think about the individual servings of
‘Private Select’ Upside Down Pineapple Cakes I have in the refrigerator that
only take FIFTY SECONDS to heat up and then they need just TWO MINUTES to cool
down, which they rarely get in my haste, before you turn the individual
container over and dump out the ready to eat HOT cake that is dripping in syrup
and begging to be consumed very slowly as you savor the warm delectable soft
sweetness with a piece of pineapple in each bite… That was a long sentence but I’m sorry, I
can’t pause when I talk about those CAKES!
If you’ve never tried them then DON’T!
Another enemy in this battle against the bulge is Mint Chocolate Chip
Ice Cream, the strongest foe I face. You
can talk about Butter Pecan but there really is none better than Mint Chocolate
CHIP! It’s like CRACK to a Crack Head
for me… If it’s in the refrigerator, I
think about it… I try to buy different
flavors to curb my need but then I fall in love with them too. Like the Kroger brand of Orange Scream which
taste exactly like the orange covered ice cream filled popsicles of my youth; I
can eat a whole half gallon of Orange Scream in one sitting and I HAVE! Although I’m monogamous in love, I’m a
COMPLETE polygamous TRAMP when it comes to ICE CREAM! Mint Chocolate Chip and I have decided to
have an open relationship, I voted for that while Mint just smiled! We communicate.
The bad news about losing a little of this
new poundage just for the sake of vanity is that I LIKE the new poundage… I
sometimes finish a good meal like the dinner I had tonight and just feel
absolutely satiated. Tonight I made some
Au Gratin Potatoes with homemade hamburgers smothered in Provolone Cheese. No vegetables because I’m on a diet, I have
to start somewhere. After I finished eating I stood up and rubbed my
belly… I don’t know about you but when
the food is real good I have to rub my belly, and when it’s really good then I
just go to rubbing EVERYTHING and humming to myself… I rubbed my butt after this meal and my left
eyebrow went up as to the acknowledgement of the clear change in said butts
size and a noticeable increase in its normal lack of vastness. It happens that fast.
I know exactly what Christina Aguilera is
talking about when she says she just got tired of being skinny… Sometimes I rub my NEW curves and say, “Hold
up now, that feels like a booty!” A
booty is new to this skinny person too so again I know how Christina feels when
she says she likes her new curves. I’ve
always had an athletic build but now my butt is bigger, my chest is bigger, my
biceps are bigger; problem is, MY GUT IS BIGGER! All in all, I think losing just twenty pounds
will deal with the aforementioned jowls…
Sit ups, which I have never had to do outside my time in the Army, will
handle the gut; and all else will fall into play with God’s assistance… Did you see how I committed him there… It’s Anthony’st’joseph, not Anthony’st’stupid!
So let it be written, so let it be done!
By
Anthonystjoseph
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